dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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