Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
