i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
