im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
