I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I didn't shave. On purpose
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
