Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
