i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
