Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
