I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
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It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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