he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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