He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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