Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
