In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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