I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
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Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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