paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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