this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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