I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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