He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
