His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
