i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm bleeding and have questions
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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