remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
