Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i think i just lost a toe
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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