If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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