The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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