So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
