So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
