Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
