Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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