Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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