I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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