I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
