He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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