I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
