saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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