Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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