Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
