Umm I'm too high to move.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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