I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
