she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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