You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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