Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
