Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
