And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
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Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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