she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
