I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
