Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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