Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
