I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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