everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
