just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
