Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
