goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
