Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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