He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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