do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
