I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
