She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
be right there i have to get my cape
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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