don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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