A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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