I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
