I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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